


Letting Go

by Maels (queen_ypolita)



Category: Coronation Street
Genre: 3000-5000 Words, M/M, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-11-25
Updated: 2004-11-25
Packaged: 2017-10-04 13:36:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,687
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30746
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/queen_ypolita/pseuds/Maels
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Karl wanted to give it another go but Todd said no. Now Todd has gone to London and Karl is putting his life back together.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Letting Go

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the first anniversary of the "Corrie's unhappy father Todd to be snared" threads on Digital Spy forums in November 2004.

Karl walked leisurely along Canal Street, nodding to people he knew and feeling how his anticipation for a great night was mounting. He spotted Sean talking to someone by the bridge and waved a greeting. For some reason the sight of Sean always got him on good mood – not that there was any need for extra cheering tonight; he felt happier than for a while. Sean gestured apologetically to the bloke he had been talking to and started making his way towards Karl, who stopped to wait for him. He tried to remember when he had last seen Sean… he couldn't. They had talked on the phone in the summer, August it might have been, it must have been, when Sean was about to be kicked out from his place and had been calling round his mates to find somewhere to stay. Karl hadn't been able to help, his room in the nurses' block was just about big enough for one. Living there felt, at times, like living in a match box. At least once a week he considered getting somewhere bigger but in the end couldn't be bothered to do anything about it. It was close to the hospital, he didn't even have to clean and after all, he didn't spend that much time in there.

Sean hugged him tightly.

'Hiya, it's been long, how are you?' he said, in one breath.

'I'm fine, how are _you_? Last time we talked you were rather desperate – have you sorted things out?'

'Yeah, everything's great for me… Listen, I'd like to catch up properly, wanna go for a drink, tomorrow maybe? Unless you've got plans?'

'No, tomorrow is fine by me. Around seven?'

'Yeah, great. Weatherfield Arms all right with you?'

Karl nodded.

'See you then. Sorry for rushing off, but there's someone waiting for me.' Sean said and glanced back at the bloke he had been talking to earlier.

'See you…' Karl said to his retreating back, and continued, more to himself than to Sean, who was already out of hearing, 'Someone's waiting for me too.'

He shivered, the November night was chillier than he had expected but then his earlier anticipation took over. He smiled to himself, ready for his great night.

* * *

It was already ten past seven when Karl walked in Weatherfield Arms. He tried to remember when he had last been there – it must have been ages. Come to think of it, it must have been some time he was there with Todd, in the early days. When they had still been just mates, or only just about to take the first steps beyond that…

Like that night they nearly kissed. That night there had been a certain spark in everything, a spark that refused to go away even with Robbie turned up and threatening to ruin it all. Not that he for a moment wanted that spark to go, he liked Todd's company, it gave him a break from his increasingly strained situation with Robbie. And Todd seemed to enjoy his company too. And Todd certainly deserved a break from his girlfriend and her kid, deserved to have some time on his own, being the carefree teenager a lad his age still should be. Especially if he had doubts about whether he really wanted to be with her. Of course Karl didn't know all the details of Todd kissing the girlfriend's brother but the way Todd had told him about it suggested it wasn't something that was in the past. The way Todd had acted when the brother was in hospital had strengthened that impression. There was something in there… and as far as Karl knew, Todd didn't have anyone else to whom he could have talked about it, so it made sense to hang around and try to get to know him.

He was never blind to the fact that Todd was good-looking; it was rather endearing how unselfconscious about his looks he appeared to be. If things were different, maybe… but it wasn't until that night he began to realise that Todd wasn't just after something to take his mind off his everyday worries. Karl wasn't sure to what extent Todd realised it, but they got on so well that night that he didn't want to think, didn't want to worry about Robbie… he wanted to just sit and talk and drink with Todd.

He had his arm round Todd's shoulder when he walked him home. Todd wasn't particularly steady on his feet but that wasn't the reason he insisted on seeing him home safely in one piece – he was reluctant to break the spell and put an end to _their_ evening. Too soon they were at Todd's door but then Todd leant on his shoulder after they were picking up his keys – then he knew he wanted to kiss him. But Todd drew back, it wasn't going to be. He said his goodbyes and went.

He felt sobered up, in several senses. He knew the time had come to put an end to his relationship with Robbie. It had never really worked. At least not since Karl moved in with him. It had been a temporary solution, appearing god-sent at the time. He hadn't realised how possessive Robbie could be, what a bore life shared with him was. Tired of Robbie's endless questions about how, and most importantly, with whom, he spent his working days, he had resorted into winding Robbie up by telling him oh yes, there were gorgeous blokes working at the hospital, oh yes, he fancied one of them, oh yes, he couldn't stop thinking about him, not even when he was with Robbie, oh yes, he had been out for a drink with him. To be fair, he had told about the female nurses he worked with and about poor little Todd in Hetero Heaven. His only consolation was that he hadn't really told himself many lies about the state of things with Robbie – at least not since the first haze of lust had evaporated. To others maybe, but not to himself. However, getting rid of Robbie didn't mean he wanted to rush headlong to find out what, if anything, he could have with Todd. Way too much baggage there, he didn't fancy getting involved in it as anything but a mate…

He blinked and realised he was still standing by the door in Weatherfield Arms. He wondered why he had got lost in his memories like that. He hadn't thought about Todd for at least a few days now, why did he have to be reminded of all that again. It occurred to him to wonder why Sean had wanted to meet him _here_, of all places.

He spotted Sean already in the pub, sat at a table in the furthest away corner, busy talking to a bloke and a girl who both looked vaguely familiar, although Karl couldn't place them anywhere. He saw a lot of people at the hospital, he might have seen them there, as patients or patients' friends and relatives. Sean looked up when there was a slight lull in the conversation, a smile broke on his face when he saw Karl standing by the door. He got up, said something to the pair at the table who laughed at it while Sean made his way towards Karl.

'Hi.'

'Hi.' He paused. 'Don't want to sound stupid but… why are we here?'

'Here meaning…?' Sean looked puzzled.

'Weatherfield. This grubby pub. Not quite your style is it?'

'Watch it, it's almost my local you know.' Sean paused to check the impact these words had on Karl before he continued, 'I've been living round here for a while. Working too.'

'Really?' This came as a surprise to Karl. He couldn't imagine someone like _Sean_ fitting in here. In fact, he couldn't imagine what on earth would have got Sean round here in the first place. Then he remembered that Sean's father used to live hereabouts somewhere.

'Oh god, you must have been desperate. Staying with your dad?'

'No, no. I suppose I was desperate initially but not any more. I'm where I want to be, which means lodging at his and his mum's.' Sean nodded towards the bloke he had been talking to when Karl arrived.

Karl's mobile rang before he had time to digest all this. He gestured apologetically to Sean before answering it.

'Hello?'

'Hi gorgeous.'

It was Dan.

'Hi.'

'I was just wondering would you like to come over later…'

'I thought you were going clubbing?'

'_I_ thought so too but I just had Anna on the phone, cancelling our night out because she had just found out that her boyfriend had got her pregnant or was it one of her mates he'd got pregnant or one of her mates getting _her_ pregnant, I'm not sure… Anyway, if you're not doing anything special…?'

'No, just having a drink with a mate but I could come… later… But are you sure you can handle seeing me two nights in a row?'

'If you think you can survive seeing me two nights in a row, I think I'll survive too. See you later then, gorgeous.'

'Yeah, I will, see you then,' Karl replied, aware that Sean was listening.

'Yeah, bye.'

 

'New bloke?' Sean asked after a short pause.

'Yeah, sort of.'

'Is it serious or…?'

'We'll see… he's all right.'

'But…?'

'You think there's a _but_?'  
'Well, it sounded like there was…' Sean looked around and lowered his voice. 'D'you still think about Todd?'

Karl was just about to answer, a blatant denial on the lines, 'Todd…? Oh him, no, why would I?' when the question struck him as odd. He looked at Sean searchingly.

 

'Hang on, how do you know about that?'

'He told me. Not much but yes, I do know you two had… something.'

'How? When?'

'Well, I would have thought you knew _how_ it happened and _when_… Or have you forgotten all about it by now? With that new bloke and everything? Or the others between Todd and him?'

'What makes you think there have been others?'

'I know you… never the type to stay at home, moping.'

 

Karl glared at him.

'OK, there have been a few,' he admitted. It _was_ true after all. Sean knew him too well in that respect. What Sean didn't know and Karl had no intention of telling him was that they had all been attempts to get over Todd; he'd been with some of them because they reminded him of Todd (at least until he saw them the next morning) or because they were totally unlike Todd, six-foot rugby-player types, like the one who had seriously tempted him when Todd kept messing with his head.

'Anyway,' he continued. 'You know very well what I meant, when did he tell you? I didn't realise you'd seen him since my birthday.'

 

Sean discerned just a small hint of jealousy in Karl's voice and knew he'd better answer properly, no more jokes.

'Well, to start from the beginning, I bumped into him on Coronation Street in August when I was looking for a place to stay; feeling pretty desperate as you've heard. Being the nice young man he is, he and his mum kindly offered their sofa for the night. But as I got on so well with his mum, she let me stay longer. So that's how and when I got to know Todd better. Then I got the sack from the department store and found a new job in the Street, sewing knickers.'

'You? Stitching knickers? You _are_ full of surprises.'

'Yeah. The girls are a laugh.'

'What about now? You said you were staying with that bloke over there and his mum, have you moved?'

 

Sean stared at him.

'Sorry, silly me. You don't know, do you?'

'Know what?'

'That Todd's gone to London. That bloke over there is his big brother and I'm staying with him and Eileen, their mum.'

'Gone? To London? When? Why?'

'Sorry, I really thought you might know.'

'No, I didn't. So, tell me. Why did he go?'

'Well, mainly because he fancied a fresh start somewhere where everybody didn't know all what happened to him during the past year or so.'

'So what's he doing down there?'

'He's got a job and he tried to finish his A-levels. He started at the college here before he left. Did you know that either?'

'No.'

'Oh. Anyway, he's fine, almost sounds happy these days when I've talked to him on the phone.'

'Any reason why he shouldn't sound happy? He seemed reasonably happy when I last saw him.'

 

Sean looked like he'd wanted to take back what he'd just said.

'Well, I think he was happy then, getting his life back to track. There was just one big glaring _but_. That ex-fiancée of his; she didn't let him see the child and they argued about it. And then Todd found her in Jason's bed one morning. There was a massive fight and Todd decided he'd be best off somewhere else.

 

There was a pause.

'Did you say him over there is Todd's brother?'

'Yeah, that's Jason.'

'What's he like?'  
'All right really. Didn't like me much in the beginning but when he realised Violet is my mate… well, he's been a lot nicer since.'

Karl hardly heard him.

'What kind of a man beds his brother's ex-fiancée? And how could _she_?' he said finally, trying to resist the desire to get up and give Todd's brother a good kicking. 'He was in pieces when she rejected him so totally. After he chose her.' He couldn't keep the bitterness out of his voice, although he wasn't sure if Sean had noticed.

'From what I gather, there was a party, she was drunk, he was there, it just happened,' Sean said, trying to sound calm in the hope of calming Karl down too.

'You know how it goes sometimes. It was just one-off, good while it lasted but regretted in the morning. Too bad Todd had to find out. The fight between him and Jason wasn't pretty, I can tell you. And Eileen was in pieces when he packed his bag and left.'

'So how's he now? Do you know?'

'I've talked with him on the phone a few times, he's just fine. Living, at least for the time being, with some mates from school, trying to find time to earn his living and get his A-Levels done.'

'Has he gone back to school then?' He was beginning to wonder how many pieces of Todd-related news Sean still had up his sleeve.

'Oh yes. And he was talking about Oxford again, I'm not sure if it's happening or not… it's not something he and me talk about, but looks like he really wants to start over. Easier to do it down there than here.'

'Do you miss him?' Karl asked rather abruptly.

'Hang on, shouldn't _I_ be asking _you_ that? Yeah, I do. We got on well. Used to drive Jason mad.'

'How cosy,' Karl said, more coldly than he had intended.

'So you do miss him?' Sean asked, ignoring the comment.

Karl stopped to think.

'In a way yeah,' he said eventually. 'I guess what I miss most is that he never gave us a chance. Not a proper one anyway.'

'You really liked him, didn't you? How come you never said anything to me?'

'I dunno.'

'Come on Karl, when have you ever been able not to brag about your latest? _Never._ Something must've been different about Todd.'

'I dunno. He was so messed up and unhappy, I wanted to help him. But didn't want to push him, I thought he should decide when he was ready to come out… but then _he_ kissed _me_. You know me, always out for what I can get, I knew he fancied me, so I thought why not… It's not every day the throw themselves at you… How much did he tell you?'

'Not much. That you had something. I assumed he meant that you had been lovers for a while but… that there was a _but_, the time wasn't right, whatever.'

 

Karl was silent. He was thinking about the day when he had gone to see Todd. He had told himself that he was only going as a friend but deep down he knew it wasn't true. He had gone to find out if they still had a chance. He had hoped that Todd would come to him after some time had passed but he never did. It had taken time to get over that rejection. But whatever he had felt for Todd – he wasn't quite sure if it was love, no matter what it was, he had never felt quite so strongly for anyone in his life – it hadn't died out. It had lived and kept surfacing every time he had been sure it was in the past. So he had gone, hoping Todd still wanted him. After all, Todd had been saying he loved him. Karl had never quite believed it at the time, but after two months apart he found himself hoping that it was true. He had to find out and of course he had been disappointed. Regardless of whether Todd admitted it or not, Karl had been just an experiment, the experience that proved to him, beyond conceivable doubt, that he was gay…

Karl was brought back from his thoughts by Sean's anxious voice. 'Karl? You all right?'

'Yeah, I'm fine. Same again?' As Sean nodded he got up and made his way to the bar. He really should stop thinking about Todd. This was supposed to be a quiet evening with old mates catching up. He was beginning to suspect that Sean had got him here to talk about Todd. Suddenly he felt annoyed at Sean. What right did he have to ask questions and make him remember? Well, argued a more reasonable part of him, Sean lived with Todd's mum and brother and was in touch with Todd; maybe Todd had even confided in him, he had the right to know. At least some of it. But no matter how reasonable the argument sounded, his anger wouldn't subsist.

 

'Did you arrange that we'd sitting in the same pub as him and her?' Karl asked. 'His girlfriend, I take it? She looks familiar, I'm sure I've seen her somewhere.'

'Violet? She used to work in that club we used to go to on Canal Street. Now she's barmaid in the Rovers. You've been there, haven't you?'

Karl nodded. 'Now I remember her. She was great.'

'She _is_ great, poor Jason is smitten. If there's something he's got no idea about, it's being serious about someone.'

 

Karl couldn't think of anything to say. For a moment they were both silent. The girl and the bloke finished their drinks and left the pub, the girl waved a goodbye at Sean.

'So do you have his address?'

'Todd's? Yeah I do… what are you thinking, writing a letter?'

'What if I am?'

'I'm not sure if I should give it to you, at least not without asking him first. You could give him a ring, you must still have his number, he hasn't changed phones or anything.'

'Fine, don't give it then.' Karl made a show of glancing at his watch. 'I should really be going… I'd hate to keep Dan waiting.' He got up abruptly and made his way towards the door.  
'All right', Sean muttered to himself, sighing, 'be like that. I'll text it tomorrow.'

* * *

Karl was lying awake in the early hours of the morning, long enough for his eyes to get used to the darkness of the bedroom. He glanced at the shape next to him, he wished he could sleep as peacefully as he did. He had to admit that meeting Sean and talking about Todd had unsettled him more than he had imagined possible, at least at this stage. He hadn't fancied Dan for what he was or wasn't, there had been that special spark from the first, from the moment he had seen that blond floppy hair, those startlingly green eyes, that amazing body, his voice, the way he moved. He had no idea where, if anywhere, it could lead, given the time, for the time being he was enjoying everything as it was, good time, great sex, no strings. Dan was gorgeous and funny and bright, there should have been no room for thoughts about miserable, messed-up teenagers when he found himself in Dan's bed. In which he was supposed to be asleep and contented at the moment.

But his thoughts kept circling around Todd and what they had had. It felt ages ago already, as if in another life. Well, from what Sean had said about Todd's decisions this autumn, it sounded like he was already living a completely new life, different life. Karl was pleased for him; he was finding his own feet, hopefully caring less for what other people thought about him and his choices. Maybe he should give Todd a ring, to find out for himself that he was all right. But they hadn't been touch after he visited him in August; it had been the final goodbye although they both had pretended it wasn't. It had been. Maybe he really should call him, or text him, or a write a silly intrusive letter, just to get over it.

He sighed, he felt more awake than he had been when he first found he wasn't asleep. The steady rhythm of Dan's breathing was soothing, his body warm against his but sleep didn't want to come. He turned his back to Dan and closed his eyes. It suddenly struck him as immensely unfair that he had only ever had the chance to spend the whole night with Todd. Their first night. The other times they met, Todd had to always rush off sooner or later, home to waiting Sarah or to work. While the secrecy of it had been exciting at first, he soon grew tired of it. He didn't expect Todd to come out before he was ready but he was surprised to discover how much he actually hated it in the end. It would have been easier to deal with it all, but Todd never seemed to be consistent in what he wanted. In the privacy of Karl's room in the nurses block he might indicate that he was going to come out very soon, outside that room he made a show of pretending to be the perfect fiancé. It was almost as if he was waiting to hear Karl's applause. Well, that was something he wasn't getting. But it was easy to forget all that when Todd had been there. With the memories of their times together he finally drifted into sleep.

* * *  
Karl stared at the blank sheet of paper in front of him. 'What a way to spend a Sunday morning,' he thought. He had just come home from Dan's, saying he had something to do before he went to work.

Todd, he had written, but hadn't figured out a satisfactory way to go on. _Sean gave me your address after telling me you were in London. I hope you're all right._ But once he saw the words on the paper, they seemed too silly and pointless so he pushed the sheet aside and admitted defeat. He wasn't a letter writer, if he really wanted to contact Todd he would have to use the telephone. He dug up his mobile from his pocket, thinking of texting Todd rather than giving him a ring – easier for Todd to ignore and easier for himself to keep some distance.

_Hi! Saw Sean, he told me you were in London… How are you? Karl_

He sent the message before he had time to regret it. Glancing at his watch he realised he'd been sitting with the attempted letter for more than two hours and now it was time to go to work unless he wanted to be late.

He passed Martin in the first-floor corridor on his way to his own ward and ignored him. They had agreed to be professional when work was concerned and their superiors seemed to have made sure they didn't have to meet unless it was absolutely necessary. Which was a relief, but they never talked to one another any more, hardly acknowledged one another's existence apart as colleagues. Martin didn't even sneer at him any more, which of course was an improvement because sneers didn't even suit him very well, had made him an eyesore in addition to being a major irritant.

* * *

He had a good shift, he wasn't too rushed, his patients (and more importantly, their friends and relatives) seemed all patient and civilised and on a good mood. After his shift he went for a quick drink with a couple of his nurse mates, they talked and laughed and joked so much that his sides ached when he realised three hours had passed after in the pub and he still hadn't checked if Todd had replied. When he found that Todd hadn't, he was disappointed only for a moment, then he shrugged and told himself he had never expected him to reply.

But Todd did reply. He stared at his mobile for a full minute, wondering if he really wanted to see the message. Maybe it was just Todd's way to tell him to get stuffed. Again. Like he had at that party. Although at the time it had been slightly ambiguous, or so he had told himself, there was strange gentleness in it too. He drew a deep breath and opened the message.

_Im fine. Honest. Got a job, go to college, got new mates, sort of seeing some1. Like it here! So Im fine. You?_

It was like having a bucketful of cold water thrown at you. Todd was sort of seeing someone and he had only been in London, what, two months? It wasn't like Todd at all, was it? And why did he appear so cheerful? After all he had had three massive emotional upheavals in the past six months: coming out, death of his baby, fighting with his brother which had resulted in moving down south. And now all those sad things behind him, he was having the time of his life in London. It was unfair. No, it wasn't, Todd deserved to get a break from everything that happened. Karl should be pleased for him.

And deep down he was. It was just a pity that he had to be part of the past that Todd was trying to forget. He sighed and started thinking about his reply. What he came up with was _Good 2 hear that. Sort of – whats that? Im all right. Thought you'd forgotten all about me by now though… text me sometimes, OK?_ which he sent before getting second thoughts.

He only had to wait about a minute for Todd's reply.

_Sort of = early days. Sorry, shouldnt have mentioned it – but HAD to tell some1. And as if I could ever forget you…No chance. Good night, text U soon._

Karl felt better. Todd didn't think he could completely forget Karl. It was something. Maybe he had got caught up in his regrets and what ifs. You couldn't live your life like that and Karl had always had healthy scorn for those who did. It must have been because he had felt so much, more than for anyone else that he hadn't been able – or willing – to let go. Younger Karl wouldn't have got involved with anything so complicated, would have made his exit the moment things got heavy. Karl in May would have done anything to keep Todd for himself. Karl all summer wanted him back but couldn't decide how to do it. Karl in August had been humble enough to try. Karl in November was discovering the realist inside. It was time to put Todd in the past and move on.

_The end._


End file.
